It’s My Birthday, and I’ll Cry If I Want To

treating myself to lunch

treating myself to lunch

It’s my twenty-first birthday, and I’m spending the afternoon at my local Panera Bread, blogging about how shitty I’ve been feeling.

I don’t exactly know what’s wrong with me, but I’ve been thinking, possibly overthinking about different areas of my current life. One in particular concerns my love life.

I often feel as though I’m putting more into the relationship than my boyfriend is.

This comes into play in different aspects of our relationship. In the way we spend time together, the way we put effort into making each other feel loved, and a well as the way we make love.

When it comes to spending time together, I’m often the one that initiates a time and a place. In fact, I was the one that put together a plan so that we could finally meet in person. (We met over the internet.) Often, I feel like I’m being clingy when I keep asking him to hang out. So rather than straight-out ask him when he’s free, I hint at how much I miss him and how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other.

I also feel that in a relationship, wanting to spark it up every once in a while and putting effort into making each other feel loved is a key part it making sure the love grows. There are only so many times he surprises me. I was the one to surprise him with train tickets to come spend a weekend with me at school. I was the one that stayed up on a school night, despite the fact that he fell asleep an hour earlier, so that I could wish him happy birthday once the clock struck 12. I even recorded a video of myself singing happy birthday to him and posting it publicly on his Facebook for all to see. ( *shudders* ) It’s my birthday and all he’s done is texted me. I understand he’s busy but you’d think he could set aside a little time to call me. Maybe I’m over reacting and I’m expecting way more than I deserve, but it’s still something that bothers me.

Another issue concerns a topic that belongs behind closed doors.

(So, if you are uncomfortable with topics concerning sex, it’s fine to skip this paragraph.)

I’m not saying he doesn’t satisfy me in bed. He definitely does. It’s just that, when I’m pleasing him or when we’re having sex, it’s not tough to tell when he’s reached his climax. When it comes to me however, it doesn’t seem like he puts the effort in to make sure that I reach my peak. He puts in a lot of work, he really does. But it would be nice if he made sure I’ve finished.

I’m aware that all of these issues should be discussed with him, but it’s not that easy for me to be verbal about my issues. Part of me is worried I’ll hurt him, part of me is worried that he thinks we should break up, and another part is worried that he’ll be upset with me somehow. These are all stupid reasons, and I know that. But I’m an anxious person and blogging and whining about my issues on the internet is something I do best.

Perhaps I will set aside sometime when both of us are free to talk and I will tackle these issues. He is a great guy, and I would hate for our relationship to end up in ruins because I failed to speak up.

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